Brave Enough to be Raw, Happy Enough to be Unhappy

In love. With friends. With parents. Right now there are so many situations where I'm either trying to find the courage to be raw and vulnerable, or looking back and wishing I had been more open and less afraid. Why is it so hard to stand up and say, "I'm struggling. I have struggled. This scares me. I'm afraid you'll hurt me. I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I don't think I can do this."?

I saw people in ASB (my high school's student council) as always being put together, yet nobody dusted me with some magical glitter and gave me the power to juggle school, fitness, friends, family, and hobbies when I joined my sophomore year. If somebody sees a crown and sash on a girl, it is automatically assumed she must be beautiful, yet even after I won the honor of being the Queen of my hometown, there were times I did not think I was beautiful. Or times when I looked in the mirror, saw that I was, and yet that still didn't fix whatever I was currently struggling with in my personal life.

In the various closing ceremonies of my year in ASB and my year as Miss [Hometown], it was interesting for me to note all that wasn't said. Sure being stressed was mentioned, but was anybody really honest about the number of tears they cried because of this project or that chastising of a stressed out co-chair? For example, I absolutely loved rehearsals for my outgoing Pageant, but there were times I cried in the car to and from rehearsal because I had no idea how I was going to get everything for the Pageant done and study for AP tests. There are a lot of social dynamics in ASB nobody ever seems to talk about; we all love each other, but there is a lot of gossiping that goes on. I can't say how many times I've wanted to turn around and ask, "So, what do you guys say about me behind my back?" As a leadership team you have to be honest about each others' strengths and weaknesses, but where is the line between being negative out of necessity and being vicious? I love my fellow teammates, but how was I supposed to connect with them when I didn't feel like I was on safe ground with a lot of them? Or that our priorities were entirely different outside of the class?

Often times the things in my life that people seem to look at and say, "Oh wow, that's so great! You're so lucky!" come with their own set of challenges, and the fact that everyone else thinks its so easy makes it even harder. I am so grateful for all of those things in my life, it is great and I am lucky, but I guess the point I'm trying to make is that everyone struggles and things are often not as one-sided as humans seem to automatically make them. Human beings are human beings, regardless of whether they're running for president or running away from being a pauper.

Now, do not think I'm trying to throw a pity party here. I'm not! Most people who know me say I'm a pretty happy person, and I am. I make a point of being so. I like being happy! When people say, "Oh Grace, you're such an optimistic person!" I say, "Thanks! I am because I have to be, believe me." I am not one of those people that is just naturally happy all the time, biologically I'm actually prone to depression.

But you know what my secret to being happy is? I allow myself to not be. That's my second point. I do everything I know how to be happy--thinking positively, being kind to others, exercising, taking care of my body and surroundings, doing my prayer and scripture study and actively working to make Christ a part of my life, gratitude--but when those things aren't working, I thoroughly believe in "scheduling depressions". Runs to ticked-off music, days where I just lay in bed and catch up on TV shows, once in a while too much chocolate and popcorn, watching a movie with the express purpose that it will open the floodgates and let me cry, journal entries where I throw out all rationalizations of why I shouldn't be upset with this person or sad about that event, and just let myself feel the negative stuff. And as I've learned to, in feeling the negative things, hand them over to Christ, it works even better. He understands I am human and can only bear so much, He has always known that. Sometimes He helps heal my heart in the moment, but sometimes He just comes and bears my burdens with me, and that is enough.

Through my hard times my ability to be grateful for the good times grows. My ability to empathize with and feel compassion towards others deepens. My faith in Christ is strengthened. Heavenly Father proves to me that I am stronger than I ever imagined.

Isn't that something to be happy about? I don't always feel so in the moment, but I trust that it is enough to be able to put the guilt that I'm not currently happy aside and let myself feel.


P.S.-Sincere thanks to all the people in my life who I know I'm safe feeling anything around, particularly those who have been safe havens for me the past few weeks-Mom, Dad, Eliza, Meghan, Alana, and Beth.

Want to tick me off? Tell me life gets harder.

I noticed something today. It ticks me off when people say "Life is only going to get harder."

 And as is usual when something new comes my way, I begin to examine it and ask questions. 

And one question particularly struck me.

Why is that people always seems to say, "Life's only going to get harder?" at the exact moment when I'm feeling completely inadequate for what life is currently giving me?

WHY?

Because you know what it feels like you're telling me? 

"You're screwed. If you can't handle what you've got now you might as well throw in the towel. You're just going to keep failing, and failing bigger."

Which no sane person would ever say to someone who's currently feeling wholly inadequate for the tasks at hand.

So why do people say "Life's only going to get harder?" People who I know love me and are trying to help?

Then a light bulb moment came. Its because they're missing half the point. Life's going to get harder, but I'm going to get stronger. I'm going to get better at trusting God. My faith will get better at overcoming my fear.

Life has gotten harder, but I have gotten stronger, and everything that goes along with that. I've been more hurt, I've felt more joy, I've carried more burdens and felt more carefree. 

So tell me life's hard. Tell me it will get harder. But remind me I'm strong enough, and will get stronger.

And if you choose to just say, "Life's going to get harder," you'd better believe I'll complete the thought for you.

Because I know you love me, and don't mean to say just say,
"Life gets harder."

Life gets harder, but I get stronger. 

Happier

Wiser

More compassionate

More able to understand others

More able to help more people

Smarter

More grateful.

More loving.

More faithful

Because I'm also going to keep getting more determined to let anything but the above happen.

Tell me that.

An off day in a not-so-positive direction, but not bad either

So as I'm starting my makeup this morning I see that I have a missed call from Aloe (one of my roommates). Well, she told me the bus I take to school wasn't running because of construction or something like that, so that threw my whole morning off. I was feeling off anyways; I've had some heavy personal stuff on my mind since last night, and homesickness as hit me the past few weeks more than usual.

I barely had enough cash to pay for a shuttle fare, and felt kind of out of place, wishing I had gotten the shuttle pass instead of the bus pass simply because the atmospheres are so different (the shuttle's is friendlier and more comradely). Renee, a girl in my ward and building who I've had some good conversations with, sat by me and said hello and we talked briefly about the weather-cliché I know-but the point is she was nice.  David, one of my home evening brothers, said hello as he got on, but I was mostly just in myself, staring off at nothing. After getting off the bus, David was like, "Hey Grace! How are ya?" and we talked as we walked to class. He put in his mission papers last night! That made me smile from the inside out.  We talked about how well he did on his mission prep mid term and how great my Book of Mormon teacher is. Someone else in our ward, Jordan, joined us and once David left Jordan and I talked briefly and then all of a sudden my wonderful neighbor Janalee was saying hello!

We talked about how its been hard for her the past few weeks, with so many amazing girls putting in their papers and her wanting to go but feeling she should wait at least until May. That triggered my sympathy, because aspects of the missionary age change and not knowing where I'm supposed to point my life has been rough for me too. I was grateful she shared that with me, even though it was a 2 minute conversation with people streaming past both ways. It reminded me that I'm not the only one having direction issues, and that if she's as wonderful and pure a girl as she is and still doesn't have clear answers, maybe there isn't something wrong with me that I don't either.

I got to jazz class and realized this morning that instead of grabbing my black workout shorts, I'd grabbed a black shirt.  I'd already taken my observation day out of necessity and even though we're only allowed 2 absences without it affecting our grade, I can't do piques with jeans on! So I went to the library to catch up on Psych reading, but half an hour in the urge to fall asleep was so strong I decided to take an early lunch. Unfortunately, there just barely wasn't enough time to grab a power nap!

Strangers have gone out of their way to hold the door open for me, complimented me on the color I'm wearing, and invited me to eat lunch with them (unfortunately I had class, so I had to decline). No one's been mean or inconsiderate towards me. I'm still feeling off.

 I've called both my parents and two of my best friends just to tell them I love them and that they're great, held the door open for others, and smiled at strangers. I've thought about how blessed I am to be here at this college, and that I'm double blessed that being here is one of life-long dreams. I consider the annoyance with having to take my sweatshirt on and off an extremely minor annoyance. I'm still feeling off.

I got right about 8 hours of sleep last night after a good 1 1/2 of cardio and abs, have had enough to eat, and am pretty much caught up in classes. I'm still feeling off.

 I'm still feeling off. Not bad, and I wouldn't call it a bad day, but an off day in not-a-positive direction. (Because sometimes, I have off days that are awesome!)

So it is what it is. I'll start paying attention to my psychology professor, keep being nice, keep being productive, keep praying and trying to be aware of the Holy Ghost, and stay open to all of the good out there for me, and all the good already around me.  For anyone else out there having a weird day, its not always your fault, and that's okay. It happens. I bet that when we're back into our swing, we'll both appreciate it even more.  :)

Loosen Up!

Can you say, revaaaamp! Those of you who were with me "back in the day" (Translation-this spring. Ha.) know that I've changed some things around on this blog. Sometimes, I just like to shake things up. But this time, I have a more substantial reason!

To be honest, I have thought about this blog constantly since March. I go through phases where post ideas are just constantly running through my head, and I jot them down, and start writing posts in my head, and sometimes I even get to drafting them, and then. . . . I chicken out. I get frustrated. I'm not sure if it fits with my ultimate vision. So I decided to change the vision.

I hope this comes across as more down to earth! I want to be able to write about anything I want to, whether its a quick thought, I'm-so-blessed ramble, or serious, composed true confession, and feel like it still fits into some overarching theme. The only theme that all of those things fit under is. . . .me? So that's what this blog will be about now, instead of feeling like I have to tie everything back to the pros and cons of being a "nice girl". I'm hoping that as I just write what I'm passionate about and what I want you to read, some motifs will appear that I can turn into brand-able themes! Bear with me?

For now, I have a jazz dance test to practice for and a Book of Mormon paper to write. But I can't WAIT to share all of these ideas I've had spinning around in my head for months! What are some of these things you ask? Oh, I don't know. . . .keeping my room clean, the word "date",  the spotlight, openness to change, eating issues/addiction, learning styles, Christ, family, honesty vs. truth, bacon chocolate chip cookies (nope, I didn't forget a comma there), boys, girls, being transparent with other people, pearls, politics, neon,  perfectionism, projections of our internal realities, social pressure to NOT be beautiful. . . .nothing serious. Everything serious. In the words of my favorite shrunken head, "It's gonna be a bumpy ride!" (10 points to whomever can post in the comments what the reference is first! And I already gave you a hint. ;) )

P.S.-Yes, that list was a commitment. I will do post on every single one of those topics, so if an item didn't make sense to you? Don't worry! It will!