Confessions

1. My nose wiggles when I eat.
2. I hate when people say "YOLO".
3. Wet paper makes me gag.
4. I can want to believe a promise someone's making until they make it a timeless promise with a phrase like "with my life" or "as long as the sun rises" or "I'll never [fill in the blank]". Then I'm out. Know your limitations.
5. Sparkles legitimately do distract me.
6. Somehow, playing the piano feels like eating a great chocolate cake to me a lot of the time.
7. I haven't played the piano all semester.
8. I am wonderful at cleaning and terrible at maintaining it for any amount of time.
9. I tend towards being an all-or-nothing person.
10. I love Jack's "Rose, you're no picnic, all right? You're a spoiled little brat, even. . ." speech in Titanic.
11. I really love Titanic.
12. I analyze people's body proportions and facial features. Like, all the time. Its a hobby.
13. I am constantly thinking. And I tend to think about things to death. And if I don't, it probably means I actually NEED to think about them.
14. I feel like yelling a lot more than I ever do.
15. I heavily filter pretty much everything I say.
16. I can be honest to a fault, and sometimes too late.
17. Chipped nail polish drives me crazy.
18. At my core I am probably the most idealistic person you have ever met.
19. Writing this I'm afraid I'm coming across like a 12-year old (there is nothing wrong with 12-year olds besides the fact that I'm not one, as a disclaimer), but I feel they're things I need to say.
20. I've struggled with an Eating Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified. (Most people have never heard of it. Look it up in the DSM-IV.)
21. I write when my brain is too full. Therefore, I probably pretty much always sound like a manic person on this blog. I promise I'm not!
22. I never really felt like I fit in in high school. At church and Miss Hometown? Yes. But not at school.
23. I have PMS-Pissed at Men Syndrome. But I know you guys are amazing and so many of you try so hard and don't deserve that, so please know I am working hard to get through it.
24. I don't like guys to tell me I'm pretty, especially right off the bat. I'd much rather be shown you think I'm a worthwhile, interesting, intelligent, dynamic human being than be told I'm pretty. So thanks in advance. :)
25. I LOVE people. Like, to a socially unacceptable extent. It would majorly weird people out if I genuinely told people all the good I see in them and how much I love them and how happy I am that they exist.
26. I made my first chocolate bundt cake yesterday, on a whim.
27. Blogger doesn't recognize bundt as a word.
28. I miss driving a lot.
29. In the past calender year I've really begun to learn what its like to really depend on Christ as my friend and Heavenly Father as my loving, involved, forgiving parent.
30. These days I let my age hold me back more than anyone else holds me back for my age.
31. I love Jillian Michaels.
32. I only KIND OF understand the usefulness of iPads. I'm getting there.
33. Every single thing in Taylor Swift's Fearless CD prologue I have experienced. Except for starting high school at fifteen. I did that at thirteen.
34. The strongest love I've been in I fell into when I was twelve years old.
35. Everyone's capacity to love is different and it changes as life continues. Just because being in love wouldn't look the same for me now as it did then doesn't mean what I felt then wasn't love.
36. Clicky EXPO markers-you know, the kind that don't have a cap and you just click them?-are SO. AWESOME.
37. Eating goldfish crackers gives me hiccups.
38. I've always preferred even numbers. But I kind of like prime numbers too.
39. I have a terrible memory for details. I remember things by emotion.
40. My thought processes are like a giant spider web.
41. I prefer music to be so loud I can feel it. You know what I mean!
42. I'm jealous of people who go to concerts.
43. Komodo dragons fascinate me.
44. Ewoks are definitely my favorite fictional creature. Sorry, unicorns.
45. It really annoys me when people hate on things just because they're super popular. Be able to intelligently articulate why you don't like something, please.
46. I've never come across a roller coaster that was too intense for me. X2 at Magic Mountain almost made me cry with how amazing it was, though.
47. My family is not sporty, at all. I really wish I knew more about the sports world, and thank heavens my roommate Meghan is the most sport-knowledgeable female I have ever met!
48. Everyone thinks I'd be that girl who LOVES Glee. The precise reasons people think I'd love it are actually the reasons I find it highly distasteful.
49. Every guy I was genuinely attracted to in the Netherlands was gay. Whaaat???
50. I'm a chocolate and fruit snob. I know my good chocolate and fruit.
51. I have very mixed feelings about big families.
52. I know The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is Christ's restored church here on earth. I KNOW that.
53. I far prefer sunrises to sunsets. Sunsets just make me think of all the things that day I've lost or done wrong and won't ever get back, but sunrises remind me that today is a new day and no matter what goes wonderfully wrong or wonderfully terrible today, there will still be another one tomorrow.
54. I hate being in unclear water that's too deep for my feet to touch the bottom and head to be above water at the same time.
55. I honestly don't think I'm cut out for surfing.
56. I broke somebody's heart recently. And I miss him a lot even though I don't for a second regret my decision.
57. My mom and I are pretty much opposites. . . except physically we're the most alike in the family.
58. People with irrational fears that socially inhibit them really annoy me.
59. http://www.danoah.com/2010/10/worthless-women-and-men-who-make-them.html/4
http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html
If my blog EVER makes as much of an impact as these two posts have. . . . .
60. Here's my political thought process-there are things in both parties I don't know or understand, but there are things in my own life that I do know and understand. One of them is family first, and that I believe that ultimately it will be the family break down that ruins society. So I choose to support the party that tries to uphold the most sacred familial rights I believe in.
61. I love pink. And blue. And yellow. The power of red fascinates me as well as the symbolism of green and white.
62. Every time I go to the temple I feel like my spirit is going home. Because it is.
63. One of the best decisions of my life, taken from parents, is to have someone take notes or if possible record and then transcribe every Priesthood blessing I get.
64. I'm really afraid of being bossy becaussse that's what I was when I was little.
65. The word people have called me that has hurt the most is "fake".
66. Eyelash extensions are my beauty addiction.
67. I've never had a pedicure.
68. I have no idea how or when to finish this post.
69. When I go back home or before important events I'll still go out to the back hidden corner of my yard where my first dog is buried and tear up a little.
70. I'm the shortest person in my family.
71. I love mornings, but I also love staying up late.
72. I have terrible knees and feet.
73. Someday, I am going to dye my hair brown. Someday.
74. I had a high school bucket list, and now have a college and life bucket list.
75. I know I am good at saying sorry.
76. Sometimes as the middle child I do feel looked over. But there are also some great perks to being the middle child. I get to learn from my older siblings and still teach my younger siblings!
77. There are still days I feel like purging, but it doesn't scare me. I know that demon well enough that I can roll my eyes and tackle it every time. It only emotionally gets to me when its really constant.
78. I know there are angels always around us, always around me.
79.  I know who I am and that I am loved, a lot, but man have I got to fight to remember it.
80. I love my hair, my eyes, my smile, and my cheekbones.
81. I have extremely unique hands.
82. I have read A LOT of books on marriage and parenting.
83. I don't know when or how to end this.
84. Sunshine and my summer is my natural state of being. Truly.
85. I enjoy getting really excited over little things.
86. I LOVE nice people!!
87. Yes, performing makes me super nervous. But I do it anyway because I absolutely love it and I know that as soon as I step out on the that stage aaaaall of the nerves will be totally worth it.
88. I like to push boundaries, and always have. I believe in calculated rebellion.
89. I miss Mexican food a lot. And I love steak and cheesecake.
90. The right sharpness of cheddar cheese always gives me major flashbacks to the house I lived in from when I was 1 to 3 years old, and I have no clue why.
91. Pessimistic people seriously get on my nerves.
92. I smile a lot because I genuinely mean it, but I recently discovered I also sometimes automatically smile when something upsets me.
93. Smiles have a power that I strongly believe in.
94. I love being sore.
95. Hot chocolate makes me sleepy.
96. What's the problem with eating whipped cream right out of the can as long as your mouth doesn't touch the spout?
97. I really adore footie pajamas.
98. I am a very messy eater. I try really hard not to be in the right situations, though.
99. Salty or sweet? Both, please! Preferably with some protein or fat thrown in as well!

Brave Enough to be Raw, Happy Enough to be Unhappy

In love. With friends. With parents. Right now there are so many situations where I'm either trying to find the courage to be raw and vulnerable, or looking back and wishing I had been more open and less afraid. Why is it so hard to stand up and say, "I'm struggling. I have struggled. This scares me. I'm afraid you'll hurt me. I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I don't think I can do this."?

I saw people in ASB (my high school's student council) as always being put together, yet nobody dusted me with some magical glitter and gave me the power to juggle school, fitness, friends, family, and hobbies when I joined my sophomore year. If somebody sees a crown and sash on a girl, it is automatically assumed she must be beautiful, yet even after I won the honor of being the Queen of my hometown, there were times I did not think I was beautiful. Or times when I looked in the mirror, saw that I was, and yet that still didn't fix whatever I was currently struggling with in my personal life.

In the various closing ceremonies of my year in ASB and my year as Miss [Hometown], it was interesting for me to note all that wasn't said. Sure being stressed was mentioned, but was anybody really honest about the number of tears they cried because of this project or that chastising of a stressed out co-chair? For example, I absolutely loved rehearsals for my outgoing Pageant, but there were times I cried in the car to and from rehearsal because I had no idea how I was going to get everything for the Pageant done and study for AP tests. There are a lot of social dynamics in ASB nobody ever seems to talk about; we all love each other, but there is a lot of gossiping that goes on. I can't say how many times I've wanted to turn around and ask, "So, what do you guys say about me behind my back?" As a leadership team you have to be honest about each others' strengths and weaknesses, but where is the line between being negative out of necessity and being vicious? I love my fellow teammates, but how was I supposed to connect with them when I didn't feel like I was on safe ground with a lot of them? Or that our priorities were entirely different outside of the class?

Often times the things in my life that people seem to look at and say, "Oh wow, that's so great! You're so lucky!" come with their own set of challenges, and the fact that everyone else thinks its so easy makes it even harder. I am so grateful for all of those things in my life, it is great and I am lucky, but I guess the point I'm trying to make is that everyone struggles and things are often not as one-sided as humans seem to automatically make them. Human beings are human beings, regardless of whether they're running for president or running away from being a pauper.

Now, do not think I'm trying to throw a pity party here. I'm not! Most people who know me say I'm a pretty happy person, and I am. I make a point of being so. I like being happy! When people say, "Oh Grace, you're such an optimistic person!" I say, "Thanks! I am because I have to be, believe me." I am not one of those people that is just naturally happy all the time, biologically I'm actually prone to depression.

But you know what my secret to being happy is? I allow myself to not be. That's my second point. I do everything I know how to be happy--thinking positively, being kind to others, exercising, taking care of my body and surroundings, doing my prayer and scripture study and actively working to make Christ a part of my life, gratitude--but when those things aren't working, I thoroughly believe in "scheduling depressions". Runs to ticked-off music, days where I just lay in bed and catch up on TV shows, once in a while too much chocolate and popcorn, watching a movie with the express purpose that it will open the floodgates and let me cry, journal entries where I throw out all rationalizations of why I shouldn't be upset with this person or sad about that event, and just let myself feel the negative stuff. And as I've learned to, in feeling the negative things, hand them over to Christ, it works even better. He understands I am human and can only bear so much, He has always known that. Sometimes He helps heal my heart in the moment, but sometimes He just comes and bears my burdens with me, and that is enough.

Through my hard times my ability to be grateful for the good times grows. My ability to empathize with and feel compassion towards others deepens. My faith in Christ is strengthened. Heavenly Father proves to me that I am stronger than I ever imagined.

Isn't that something to be happy about? I don't always feel so in the moment, but I trust that it is enough to be able to put the guilt that I'm not currently happy aside and let myself feel.


P.S.-Sincere thanks to all the people in my life who I know I'm safe feeling anything around, particularly those who have been safe havens for me the past few weeks-Mom, Dad, Eliza, Meghan, Alana, and Beth.

Want to tick me off? Tell me life gets harder.

I noticed something today. It ticks me off when people say "Life is only going to get harder."

 And as is usual when something new comes my way, I begin to examine it and ask questions. 

And one question particularly struck me.

Why is that people always seems to say, "Life's only going to get harder?" at the exact moment when I'm feeling completely inadequate for what life is currently giving me?

WHY?

Because you know what it feels like you're telling me? 

"You're screwed. If you can't handle what you've got now you might as well throw in the towel. You're just going to keep failing, and failing bigger."

Which no sane person would ever say to someone who's currently feeling wholly inadequate for the tasks at hand.

So why do people say "Life's only going to get harder?" People who I know love me and are trying to help?

Then a light bulb moment came. Its because they're missing half the point. Life's going to get harder, but I'm going to get stronger. I'm going to get better at trusting God. My faith will get better at overcoming my fear.

Life has gotten harder, but I have gotten stronger, and everything that goes along with that. I've been more hurt, I've felt more joy, I've carried more burdens and felt more carefree. 

So tell me life's hard. Tell me it will get harder. But remind me I'm strong enough, and will get stronger.

And if you choose to just say, "Life's going to get harder," you'd better believe I'll complete the thought for you.

Because I know you love me, and don't mean to say just say,
"Life gets harder."

Life gets harder, but I get stronger. 

Happier

Wiser

More compassionate

More able to understand others

More able to help more people

Smarter

More grateful.

More loving.

More faithful

Because I'm also going to keep getting more determined to let anything but the above happen.

Tell me that.

An off day in a not-so-positive direction, but not bad either

So as I'm starting my makeup this morning I see that I have a missed call from Aloe (one of my roommates). Well, she told me the bus I take to school wasn't running because of construction or something like that, so that threw my whole morning off. I was feeling off anyways; I've had some heavy personal stuff on my mind since last night, and homesickness as hit me the past few weeks more than usual.

I barely had enough cash to pay for a shuttle fare, and felt kind of out of place, wishing I had gotten the shuttle pass instead of the bus pass simply because the atmospheres are so different (the shuttle's is friendlier and more comradely). Renee, a girl in my ward and building who I've had some good conversations with, sat by me and said hello and we talked briefly about the weather-cliché I know-but the point is she was nice.  David, one of my home evening brothers, said hello as he got on, but I was mostly just in myself, staring off at nothing. After getting off the bus, David was like, "Hey Grace! How are ya?" and we talked as we walked to class. He put in his mission papers last night! That made me smile from the inside out.  We talked about how well he did on his mission prep mid term and how great my Book of Mormon teacher is. Someone else in our ward, Jordan, joined us and once David left Jordan and I talked briefly and then all of a sudden my wonderful neighbor Janalee was saying hello!

We talked about how its been hard for her the past few weeks, with so many amazing girls putting in their papers and her wanting to go but feeling she should wait at least until May. That triggered my sympathy, because aspects of the missionary age change and not knowing where I'm supposed to point my life has been rough for me too. I was grateful she shared that with me, even though it was a 2 minute conversation with people streaming past both ways. It reminded me that I'm not the only one having direction issues, and that if she's as wonderful and pure a girl as she is and still doesn't have clear answers, maybe there isn't something wrong with me that I don't either.

I got to jazz class and realized this morning that instead of grabbing my black workout shorts, I'd grabbed a black shirt.  I'd already taken my observation day out of necessity and even though we're only allowed 2 absences without it affecting our grade, I can't do piques with jeans on! So I went to the library to catch up on Psych reading, but half an hour in the urge to fall asleep was so strong I decided to take an early lunch. Unfortunately, there just barely wasn't enough time to grab a power nap!

Strangers have gone out of their way to hold the door open for me, complimented me on the color I'm wearing, and invited me to eat lunch with them (unfortunately I had class, so I had to decline). No one's been mean or inconsiderate towards me. I'm still feeling off.

 I've called both my parents and two of my best friends just to tell them I love them and that they're great, held the door open for others, and smiled at strangers. I've thought about how blessed I am to be here at this college, and that I'm double blessed that being here is one of life-long dreams. I consider the annoyance with having to take my sweatshirt on and off an extremely minor annoyance. I'm still feeling off.

I got right about 8 hours of sleep last night after a good 1 1/2 of cardio and abs, have had enough to eat, and am pretty much caught up in classes. I'm still feeling off.

 I'm still feeling off. Not bad, and I wouldn't call it a bad day, but an off day in not-a-positive direction. (Because sometimes, I have off days that are awesome!)

So it is what it is. I'll start paying attention to my psychology professor, keep being nice, keep being productive, keep praying and trying to be aware of the Holy Ghost, and stay open to all of the good out there for me, and all the good already around me.  For anyone else out there having a weird day, its not always your fault, and that's okay. It happens. I bet that when we're back into our swing, we'll both appreciate it even more.  :)

Loosen Up!

Can you say, revaaaamp! Those of you who were with me "back in the day" (Translation-this spring. Ha.) know that I've changed some things around on this blog. Sometimes, I just like to shake things up. But this time, I have a more substantial reason!

To be honest, I have thought about this blog constantly since March. I go through phases where post ideas are just constantly running through my head, and I jot them down, and start writing posts in my head, and sometimes I even get to drafting them, and then. . . . I chicken out. I get frustrated. I'm not sure if it fits with my ultimate vision. So I decided to change the vision.

I hope this comes across as more down to earth! I want to be able to write about anything I want to, whether its a quick thought, I'm-so-blessed ramble, or serious, composed true confession, and feel like it still fits into some overarching theme. The only theme that all of those things fit under is. . . .me? So that's what this blog will be about now, instead of feeling like I have to tie everything back to the pros and cons of being a "nice girl". I'm hoping that as I just write what I'm passionate about and what I want you to read, some motifs will appear that I can turn into brand-able themes! Bear with me?

For now, I have a jazz dance test to practice for and a Book of Mormon paper to write. But I can't WAIT to share all of these ideas I've had spinning around in my head for months! What are some of these things you ask? Oh, I don't know. . . .keeping my room clean, the word "date",  the spotlight, openness to change, eating issues/addiction, learning styles, Christ, family, honesty vs. truth, bacon chocolate chip cookies (nope, I didn't forget a comma there), boys, girls, being transparent with other people, pearls, politics, neon,  perfectionism, projections of our internal realities, social pressure to NOT be beautiful. . . .nothing serious. Everything serious. In the words of my favorite shrunken head, "It's gonna be a bumpy ride!" (10 points to whomever can post in the comments what the reference is first! And I already gave you a hint. ;) )

P.S.-Yes, that list was a commitment. I will do post on every single one of those topics, so if an item didn't make sense to you? Don't worry! It will!

Chocolate chocolate chocolate!!!! Truffles :)

There will probably be many more posts with this title.


Because I LOVE CHOCOLATE.


I thought, as an apology gift for not posting in a while, I'd give my readers my favorite, fastest, rich chocolate recipe!


Chocolate Truffles
Makes 40 truffles
1 (8-oz.) package fat-free cream cheese, at room temperature
4 cups confectioners' sugar
3/4 cup cocoa powder
1 tsp. vanilla
Cocoa powder (optional) 
Crushed nuts (optional)

Combine cream cheese, sugar, cocoa powder and extract in a bowl; freeze mixture 30-60 minutes. Remove from freezer and form into 1" balls; roll in cocoa powder, if desired. Freeze 30 minutes or until firm.
(Per serving: 60 calories, 1 gram fat)

P.S.-I've found you can form them and then freeze them, if the cream cheese is the right temperature. :)

 ENJOY!

Intro to this Nice Girl in 5's

Y'know those "Who Am I?" English projects in school? I'm never satisfied with those. Who can put who they are onto a poster? Or a poem? Oh well, this time its MY rubric; I'm giving you an Introduction to this Nice Girl in 5's. :) Yeah yeah, I know I should've done this earlier. . . .oh well! In no particular order. . . . (And note-for your sakes, I limited all of these categories to 5. For some of them the actual list is much longer!)

Hobbies
1. Singing
2. Playing piano
3. Cooking
4. Exercising
5. Blogging

Physical characteristics
1. Blonde hair
2. Blue eyes
3. I tan easily
4. Strong legs
5. A dimple in my right cheek

Groups I'm involved with
1. My high school's Associated Student Body (our fancy name for student council or leadership class, a.k.a. ASB)
2. My town's Scholarship Pageant (I am the current reigning queen)
3. LDS youth group
4. LDS ward choir
5. Ready to Learn Peer Mentoring

This year's school schedule
1. LDS Seminary
2. AP Lit & Lang
3. AP Stats
4. AP Gov
5. ASB

Other things I enjoy doing with my time
1. Sleeping
2. Cleaning
3. Soaking up sunshine
4. Babysitting
5. Writing missionaries

Songs I can play on the piano
1. For Good from Wicked
2. I'm Not That Girl from Wicked
3. As the Last Leaf Falls by David Lanz
4. You're Not Sorry by Taylor Swift
5. A whole buncha hymns

Songs I love
1. Every Time I Hear Your Name by Keith Anderson
2. Love Is Everything by K.D. Lang
3. I Get Along Without You Very Well (its a standard, but my favorite version is by Matt Monro)
4. The Guy That Says Goodbye To You Is Out of His Mind by Griffin House
5. Not Like the Movies by Katy Perry

Songs that describe me
1. Full Grown Woman by Sarah Buxton
2. Best Days of Your Life by Kellie Pickler
3. What I Cannot Change by Leann Rimes
4. Wild Horses by Natasha Bedingfield
5. Outside My Window by Sarah Buxton

Favorites colors
1. White
2. Blue
3. Yellow
4. Cream
5. Pink

Pet peeves
1. Wet paper
2. When girls don't know how to walk in high heals but wear them anyways (The higher the heel the more you need to involve your core.)
3. Not matching black and brown or white and cream together correctly
4. Unnatural colored hair (98% of the time, the other 2% its streaks and it works on the person)
5. Shorts-shorts with Uggs and/or a big poofy jacket. Really?!!

Favorites styles
1. High heels
2. Flowy shirts
3. Knee-length skirts
4. Sparkly!
5. Bright colors

Favorite Genres
1. Country
2. Acoustic stuff/singer/songwriter
3. Dance music
4. Pop
5. Broadway

Fears
1. Losing my relationship with God
2. Coming across as fake
3. Being prejudiced against
4. Not knowing about unspoken rules in new settings
5. Things that can't be undone

Favorites foods
1. Fresh-picked, organic, home-grown anything
2. Rich foods-cheese, cheesecake, peanut butter, etc
3. Sweet and salty foods (chocolate covered pretzels are the best!)
4. Root Beer floats (or anything sweet. . . I have a major sweet tooth)
5. Freshly-baked bread

Least favorites foods
1. I've learned I can like anything if its prepared correctly! So we'll change this category to. . .

Not every-day foods I've had
1. Reindeer
2. Calamari
3. Octopus
4. Cow liver
5.Caviar
Still waiting to have Escargot. . . .

Random things about me
1. When I was little, my hair stuck straight up. All of it. Until it was about 2 inches long.
2. I didn't know what stranger anxiety was as a child. I would talk with anyone, anywhere, anytime. (Although if you know me, that's not actually surprising.)
3. I didn't play with dolls when I was little. I put whatever my favorite CD was currently into the boombox and sang and made up routines and blocking!
4. I have random freckles scattered all over my body.
5. I've always had a things for older guys.

Is there anything you're dying to know about me that isn't on here? :)